Catfight
by MiniMorr
Summary: Schuldig is waiting for his kittens to return home after a mission. Except when they do, he isn't so sure he wasn't better off on his own... S/Y/A.


**CATFIGHT**

**BY:** MiniMorr

**PAIRING:** S/Y/A

**RATING/WARNING:** NC-17. Yaoi. Somewhat OOC. My attempts at humor (yes, that requires a warning... ;)

**DISCLAIMER:** I'm guessing that this is the closest I get to have them chained to the same bed without owning them, so I'll settle for that. Besides, if I'd own them, I'd have a couple of million rabid fan girls after me and I think I'd prefer not to... *cowers in corner*

**ADD. NOTES:** This is set in a new universe with the three of them – **Schatten des Lichtes** – which is supposed to be a really angsty story. Then I had a conversation with **Ericedwyn** where she mentioned a "catfight" and the muse caught up with it... **M, this is for you – you have created a monster! ;) *hugs***

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Yes, Schu's referring to them as the 'kittens' all the time – which include Omi and Ken as well. Deal with it. ;)

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          Schuldig was in trouble.

          Not that he didn't have a way of landing himself in it face first a little now and then, but he usually had Crawford there to bail him out when things went wrong. That was completely out of the question this time though, both because there was no way in hell he could get Crawford down there fast enough to save his hide, and – more importantly – because he definitely didn't want the older man to see _this. _

          Really, he should have been able to use his brain once in a while, but of course that had been out of the question as soon as he had laid eyes on them earlier that night.

          Leather and silk shouldn't look so goddamm... droolworthy...

          Especially _not on two kittens on their way out on a mission._

          Damn.

          He _knew_ he was in trouble the moment he had laid eyes on his Balinese-kitten and his Abyssinian-kitten tonight, but had that stopped him? 

          No.

          He could have bet that Crawford was laughing his ass off at him right now – the bastard had probably seen this coming a long way back and it would be because of that he hadn't protested the least when the German had told him where he was going to spend the night.

          Damn the bastard.

          And it had all begun so nicely too; the kittens both dressed up in black leather and silk – his Abyssinian-kitten in a sleeveless top faintly shimmering in violet with a pair of black fingerless gloves going up over his elbows. Ragged bangs hanging down in his eyes, which had a thin line of kohl around them drew all attention there immediately. At least as soon as you could stop staring at the rest of him...

          And his Balinese-kitten... The man knew how to attract attention, that much was for certain – another sleeveless top that left a hand's width of bare abdomen in green and gold that brought out his natural coloring and a thin plaited cord of leather around his left bicep completed the outfit. His hair was drawn back in the usual ponytail along with his shades on the bridge of his nose that hid amused green eyes. Both of them had leather pants that looked like they had been sprayed on and that had had the German drooling over them before they left, in vain trying to talk them into staying. An icy glare and an amused snort had been the response to that before the kittens had sauntered out the door and left him alone to his fantasies.

          Only now, he wasn't so sure that those fantasies wouldn't have been enough – when he was presented with the consequences of his actions. Or lack thereof, which was a first for him.

          It wasn't so bad, really, when you thought about it. 

          Really.

          All he had to do was to stop them from trying to kill each other.

          Of course, that was a lot easier said than done what with the Abyssinian-kitten drunk and the Balinese-kitten rather sober – or at least not as drunk as the younger one. That should have been enough to clue him in that some things weren't as they were supposed to be, but he hadn't been complaining the least when he – after almost four hours of being bored out of his mind – finally had someone to play with. He had waited for them to get back after the mission, slipping inside their minds a little now and then to check on how they were doing, tried to watch some TV – the only thing that had been available had been either porn or reruns and he had not been in the mood for either of it – and made himself a late dinner. After that, he had toured the living quarters of the Koneko, looking for something to entertain himself with. Going through their belongings was a big no-no where Ran was concerned – he had no wish to find out what he looked like on the inside, courtesy of one shiny pointy katana – and besides, there weren't many for him to go through either. The younger redhead had a shelf of books and a couple of CDs, but not much else. His other kitten hadn't cleaned out his room in quite a while, and thus they almost always slept in Ran's room. No one wanted to face the wrath of the things living under Yohji's bed.

          Finally he had landed down in the living room again, sitting down to try and find something _else than porn or reruns – for some reason the former wasn't as interesting and satisfying as it once had been; not unless it featured a redhead or a blond, anyway. Which they didn't tonight, so he ended up laughing at the whole spectacle instead, eagerly waiting for the two strays to find their way back home and half entertaining the thought to make one of those videos of their own. Of course, his Abyssinian-kitty would refuse, but his Balinese-kitty might be up for some fun... _

          What the other two kittens thought about the whole mess that was their love life he didn't give a damn about. Bombay-kitten didn't trust him for a moment, and Siberian-kitten wouldn't reach out with a hand even if he got paid for it. It was quite amusing how they thought that he had somehow compelled the eldest Weiss and was pulling the strings around their lives. Oh, how he wished...

          He realized that he was straying from the matter at hand – not that it would be so overly strange if he did. No one wanted to face those two right now. Siberian-kitty and Bombay-kitty had come back down again to find out what all the noise was about, but had just shook their heads and headed up the stairs again. This was something new for him – he would have thought them to accuse him of influencing them and trying to break their team. Bombay was especially suspicious to the behaviour of his teammates, but this time they had just grinned at him before going back to bed. A peek inside their minds had revealed that this was a common occurrance and thus not something to be alarmed over.

          It wasn't a common occurrance to him though.

          Even if it was damn nice to have someone fight over him like that.

          It had began about half an hour ago when they had returned home from their successful mission. He had been waiting for them rather impatiently by then, knowing that they were so close and still so far away... 

          The youngest kittens had taken one disgusted look at him – still in their mission-going-clubbing-gear – before heading up the stairs to leave him to deal with one tipsy – Ran – and one very amused – Yohji – kittens. The blond had mumbled something about washing up and had headed for the bathroom. A peek earlier inside his head had confirmed that he had been the one to take out the target since his other kitten had apparently misjudged the amount of alcohol he'd had the target pour him. The result had been that Yohji had done some – in his opinion – unnecessary work while the younger redhead had waltzed out of there singing to himself. If it hadn't been for that, the blond had been mightily tempted to leave his sort-of lover in the club to find his way home by himself – but the sight of the younger man dancing and humming along with the music had been too much. He had dissolved with laughter several times on their way home and was now barely composed enough to dump Ran in the living room, wink at Schuldig and head up the stairs to wash himself up a little. He'd had drinks spilled over him as he had taken out the target and wanted to get out of the clothes before they were completely ruined. Getting out of the club had been difficult enough as it was, but they had managed just fine. Schuldig had kept tabs on them on their way home, waiting – for him – rather patiently.

          As his Balinese-kitten went to clean himself up, his Abyssinian-kitten had decided that he didn't wanted to be alone and had crawled – rather drunkenly and most adorably – over the floor to position himself in Schuldig's lap. This was something he wasn't about to say 'no' to, especially not when his kitty tasted so damn good and had dropped most of his shyness thanks to the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Some serious pawing had followed and he'd had worked them up to the point where the younger redhead wouldn't give a damn if someone walked in on them, their hands all over each other. Wave after wave of pure bliss had swept through them as Schuldig had linked them together, including Yohji who had decided to hurry up more than a bit after that.

          So far, so good, he would later say.

          If he survived this.

          Then, the fight had begun with Yohji wanting in on the attention as well. It was just that Ran wouldn't give up so easily – or at all. He was quite content with where he was right then and couldn't be persuaded to move, despite all Yohji's whining. A rather drunken – but still potent – glare had had the blond back off for about two and a half seconds as the younger redhead had claimed his territory. Schuldig had by then began figuring out what was going on, and didn't look forward to have the whole thing explode on him – and not in a good way either. As Yohji had hissed a "move over, Fujimiya", Ran had turned his violet eyes again towards him and done his best to kill off the blond with another glare. Fortunately – or unfortunately – Yohji was since long used to that kind of treatment and had instead tried to bodily move his teammate.

          That was when all hell broke loose and when Schuldig for the first time sat down and really wondered what the hell he had got himself into.

          A rather pissed off Ran had stumbled back from his comfortable position on Schuldig and turned on Yohji with his arm still in the blond's grasp. Yohji might look skinny, but he was a lot stronger than he was given credit for and despite the way Ran tried to wriggle himself out of that grip he held on to him still. That had ended with the younger man slamming his elbow in the blond's ribs, which in turn had been retaliated with Yohji trying to bring him down by kicking him on the knee and the fight was on.

          Playing referee had never been one of Schuldig's favorite pastimes and especially not when these two were involved. He knew that they had never got along as smashingly as, say himself and Crawford, but he wouldn't have even suspected it to go _this far._

          Not that it didn't give him a warm, rather fuzzy feeling inside as he watched Yohji try to slam Ran's head into the coffee table and in turn the redhead had done his best to geld his sometime-lover-all-the-time-object-of-hate. Because it _did. They were fighting over _him_ – no one had done that before._

          There were no noise around the two of them except the occassional grunt when someone was slammed or kicked or bitten or a "Shi-ne, Kudoh" or a "Damn you, Fujimiya" and all in all it was very different from the catfights he had witnessed between women. And this most certainly gave the phrase a new meaning.

          As it looked like Yohji finally had gained the upper hand and was trying to strangle Ran with his bare hands, Schuldig decided to step in. Reading their minds had proved rather fruitless as the only thing in there had been the blinding fury and new colorful ways to kill off the other. He took the risk as he grabbed Yohji by the scruff of the neck, much like he would have done with a kitten.

          In an instant, the two of them ceased their struggling and blinked at him, both of them suddenly very, very ashamed of themselves.

          "As much as I love watching the two of you, I think that's quite enough." He smirked down at their mortified looks. Ran recovered first, bumping his glare up a notch or two as he stared at Yohji who still had his hands around the redhead's throat. He was going to have bruises like nothing else come morning.

          "Fuck you, Kudoh!" The younger man tried to sit up and shove the blond off him, but Yohji just sat down on his legs to keep him in place.

          "Shut up, Fujimiya! You started this!"

          "I did not!"

          "Did too!"

          "Did not!"

          "Did-"

          "Be. Quiet." He would never have thought that he'd live to see that day when he was the one to stop a fight like this, but he knew he'd get a headache like nothing else if they didn't shut up right about now. He had told them the truth – as much as he loved to watch them fight over him, he knew that they would regret it in the morning. Or should have, at any rate. He wasn't entirely sure of what they felt towards each other – attraction mingled quite nicely with hatred and they were either screwing like rabbits or trying to kill each other. "And behave," he added for good measure.

          Again he wondered how he could have ended up with the two of them like this, but that thought was quickly squashed rather ruthlessly as two heated pair of eyes were turned to him. Emerald and amethyst stared at him for a moment before Yohji looked down, meeting Ran's eyes and he was suddenly faced with two _very_ determined kittens on the prowl.

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The rest can be found as it is updated over at MM.org:

This turns out to be an NC-17-story after this. It's a one shot, so I'm updating it as I write it. I've added the link here because... *scratches head* hell if I know! But if you want to read the rest (explicit sex and some more senseless violence and my attempts at humor) you can go there.


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